My Greetings

lil thin'

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

:: deep inside my heart ::


I’m counting my days right now. To be a more matured person, to be a good degree-teacher-trainee, to be a good student, to be more responsible, to be somebody –in my own eyes– instead of nobody. Though it’s very hard for me to change drastically, I can change bit by bit with my own willing and this is better compared if I have to change by force– it won’t stay long,huhu.

2010 is just around the corner. I don’t know whether I’ve already prepared for it or not. I’m going to face new things and I’m going to have new experiences. Hopefully I manage to handle everything just the way it should be.

Sometimes I feel empty, I feel lost and some other times I could see only blur things. Sometimes I feel content, I feel guided and some other times I could see everything clearly. I don’t know whether I’m satisfied or not with who I am now, with what I have, with what I have achieved. But for sure I know, this is the best fate for me cause I believe firmly that Allah knows the best for us–the slaves. To me, the most important thing is I must face bravely and bear all the challenges from Allah in my life with no doubt.

My mind works very hard lately. But, I don’t really know what is running in my mind and I don’t even know what exactly I’ve been thinking of. Thus when people asked me why I didn’t talk much, I said nothing – the easiest way to avoid next questions. It’s too complicated for me to find the main ‘switch’ of this endless thinking. The side effect of this problem is, I talk less and people see me daydream a lot. My fellows did ask me why I talk less than usual and even my Mama & Abah caught me daydreaming at home. I can’t answer all the questions as I don’t know how to explain everything in my mind with words.

I was ‘stabbed’ at my back by my own friend when I was in primary and it made me hard to believe others in the first place. Since then, I locked myself in an invincible-invisible-prison. People could get ‘access’ and know the real me if they could find the right key to unlock the prison. It takes me time to give trust to others and once the trust is destroyed, I’ll never believe in that person for the second time.

In this wide world, only 2 people know about me and most of my secrets – one of them is studying at Mansoura University (Dear, did I spell it correctly?) while the other one is in UCSI and will be flying to Ireland (wish you good luck, Dear!). I couldn’t find any other people like them so far. We have went through a lot of things together – happy, sad, sweet, sour, joys as well as frustrations. Our bond become stronger each time and I do pray for this blissful relation to remain forever. I always cherish the moments that we went through since we know each other till now. We were classmates when we were in form 1. At that time, we didn’t have even a single idea that we are going to be close friends in the future. I love you both lillahi ta’ala and do keep in touch my dear…

I do really want to be a real me. But, situations and things around me made it a bit difficult as I must adapt myself to the situation, place and time. I was more like myself when I was in primary and secondary but as time passes, I get confused and now I couldn’t find the old me, I’ve lost some parts of myself. However, I am very grateful the missing parts have been replaced by something better, something valuable and something precious. So, I’ve no regret at all. Now, I lead my life just the way it should be…

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lil bee~